Some Jokes to share share.

Just to share some jokes and please share your jokes here too.



It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who
said
'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand
up:?

'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall
not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history
than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer,1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher,
'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'

Chinese Detective

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.
This is his report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,
Cheng Lee[b]

Dear all,
Have a good laugh with this Chinese
delivery.Enjoy its innovative delivery method, the
Chinese way... forget about DHL, UPS or even FedEx!!!
IF U DARE... A family in the Southern Province of China, were
puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandmother arrived from
the States. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead
body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no
space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a
letter on top, which read as follows:

Dear Cousins,
I am sending Ah-ma body to you since it was
her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of
our ancestral home in Tung Shin. Sorry, I
could not come along as all of my paid leaves are
consumed. You will find inside the
coffin, under Ah-ma's body, 12 cans of Yohmeitsu,
10packets of Swiss chocolates and packets of Chinatown
LapCheong. Please divide these amongall of
you. On Ah-ma's feet you will find a new pair of
NikeAir shoes (size 10) for Ah boy. Also,
there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei's and Ah
Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Ah-ma is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts. The large size is
for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews.
Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new
Armani Jeans that Ah-ma is wearing are for the boys.
The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on
Ahma's left wrist. Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei , Ah-ma is wearing theTiffany
necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them. The 6 white Polo cotton socks that
Ah-ma is wearing must be divided among my teenage
cousins. Let me know what else you need as Ah Kong
also not felling well nowadays. I can send all required
things when our Ah Kong goes back too...'

Post again just for laughs....


A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, “What's your IQ?”
The man replies, “150”, and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming, factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, “This is really cool.”, and decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, “What's your IQ?”
“About a 100,” the man responds.
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, the Bathurst 1000, cricket, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and the like.
Really impressed, the man leaves then walks in again.
“What's your IQ?” the robot asks.
“Er, 50, I think.”
And the robot responds, very, very slowly, “So, I expect you'll be supporting M** U again this year?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walked into a British antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."

The guy gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the river, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned, He ran down to the edge and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and they were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," he said "I came back to see if you've got a bronzed M** U supporter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes.

He walked into the embalming room where a corpse was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its arse.
Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard; "Glory glory M** U**......." come out the guys butt.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the corpse and ran up the stairs to find his mentor; "Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe."

Annoyed by the naivety of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs; "There, look at the cork in the arse of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it."

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork, and sure enough:- "Glory Glory M** U**...." began to play.

Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of ar$eholes sing that song."

Three vampires wanted to compare who was better, so the first vampire rushed off with lightning speed, and came back with blood on his clothes.

1st Vampire : You see that person? I sucked all the blood out of him!

Then the 2nd vampire rushed off too with lightning speed, and came back with even more blood on the clothes.

2nd Vampire : You see that whole village? I sucked all the blood out of them!

Then the 3rd vampire rushed off with lightning speed, and came back with his face full of blood

3rd Vampire : You see that tree?! I didn't see it!

DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone.
A part of me is getting hard already!

NAMES OF WIVES
A Malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... Baby doll
3rd wife.....China doll
2nd wife.....Barbie doll
1st wife..... Panadol !

ARAB MAN
An Arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"

HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and...
Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly. "

VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. Wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything and he had forgotten everything.

I love them! My favourite ought to be the Indian student and followed closely by Chinese courier service.
Thanks for sharing bro

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,
'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said,
'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She
said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you
manage it?'

The old man grinned and said

'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled,
and said, 'Well, you surely are something else!
How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling,

patted him on the back and said:
'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil.
This one's black.'

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperms together and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital...one dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies...and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another.'

The nurse says 'oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we pull the thermometer out of his arse.

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

-----------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

-----------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

-----------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-----------------------------------

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

-----------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

-----------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.

Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries.

Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.

Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. And his doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time.

So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner. The Arab replied :

"Yahabibi!!, I have Jewish blood now,remember. .!!! ? ? ?????

A five year old boy and his Grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when Gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?"

Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

The little boy answered: "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker."

Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer!"

A little later, Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: "Can I have a cigar Grandpa?"

Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

Once again, the little boy replies: "No, it's too little.

Grandpa says, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar!"

A little later, the little boy comes out of the house with milk and cookies. Grandpa asks: "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?"

The boy asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"

Laughing, Gramps replies: "Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass!"

The little boy replies: "Then go f*ck yourself, Grandma made these for me!"

A guy wrote this...

Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit..'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b**** knows I'm smarter than her.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.

She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.

Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.

She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.

She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.

She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.

She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the ! guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Thanks Bro. I have a good laugh with "I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits." ha ha ha

Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London .

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend..

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign...

It reads:
...
'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '!

Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!

An old man married a young girl. On the wedding night he Showed five fingers to his wife.
Young girl : Ooh.. Darling! 5 times?
Old man : No dear, choose which one you prefer to start with.


What is the similarity between a swimming pool and a wife?
For both, we pay high maintenance for the little time we spend in them.


Love is a complicated piece of machinery.
Sometimes, all you need is a good screw to fix it.


What's the difference between biology and sociology?
When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.


Dracula asked God, "May I be reincarnated as a white angel with wings and still suck blood?"
God said, "Okay" and Poof! Dracula turned into a sanitary pad".

賓拉登說：中國是全球唯一絕對不能惹的國家！
Bin Laden said: China is the
world's only country we absolutely cannot mess with

原因是這樣的：基地組織曾派出八名恐怖分子襲擊中國，結果如下：
The reason is this: al-Qaeda
terrorists had made 8 attacks on the Chinese with the following results:

*一人在炸北京西直門立體交通橋時，在橋上迷了路；
One person was to explode a bomb
in Beijing Xizhimen (the main northwest gate of Beijing ) but
he lost his way in the three-dimensional traffic bridge

*一人在上海坐公車自殺炸彈時，擠了兩小時沒擠上車；
One person in Shanghai was to
take a bus to explode a suicide bomb in the bus, but it was
so crowded he could not get into a bus for two hours

*一人在武漢炸超市時，炸彈遙控器被偷；
One person
was to bomb a supermarket in Wuhan , but found that the
bomb remote control was stolen

*一人在炸成都政府大樓時，在門口被保安當作疆獨份子逮捕、狂揍、逼供；
One person wanted to bomb
government buildings in Chengdu , but was stopped at the door
by the security staff and arrested as an East Turkistan
separatist, and was beaten and interrogated

*一人成功地河北炸礦，死傷數百人，潛回基地組織後，半年都沒見任何到有新聞報導，遂被組織以"謊報戰果罪"處決了（這個最可憐！）；
One person succeeded in bombing a
Hebei mine, with hundreds of people dead and wounded, and
then returned to the al-Qaeda center, but even after six
months, failed to see any news reports on the success of the
bombing (due to news blackout by the China government), was
considered by the organization to claim a false victory and
was executed (this is the most pathetic!);

*一人曾經嘗試炸廣州，結果剛一出火車站，炸藥包就給飛車黨搶了；
One person had tried to bomb
Guangzhou , but as he came off the train, a motorcycle robber
(flying car robber) snatched his bag (containing the bomb) from him

*一人剛到西安就失聯，後來在醫院找到人，但卻是在昏迷當中，醫生說他不但吃到黑心食品，還喝到假酒，可能會成為植物人；
One person who arrived in
Xi'an lost contact, and was later found at the hospital
in a coma. Doctors said it was the result of him
eating not only "black-hearted" food products, but
he also drank fake alcohol, and would possibly be in a vegetative state

*後來，賓拉登改派一名女恐怖分子去炸海南島，結果竟然被騙去賣淫！！
Later, bin Laden tried to send a
female terrorist to blow up Hainan Island , but she was
cheated into prostitution

最後，賓拉登不得不說：記得！！中國是全球唯一絕對不能惹的國家！
Finally, bin Laden have to say:
Remember! ! China is the world's only country we
absolutely cannot mess with!

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... This hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

Just posted some jokes to laugh off this blue Monday...



*Laugh at your own risk.